Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler wrote in their well-known book on grieving:
“There is grace in denial. It is nature’s way of letting in only as much as we can handle”.
Well, as elegant as that is, it is particularly associated with the grieving process where, as the authors implied, it can be a positive attribute.
Denial is often the complete opposite. Consider some of the key elements of denial:
Fear of Change: denial can be a kind of defence mechanism to avoid making changes that we might find overwhelming or too tough to implement. I’ll talk more about this later when I explain why I went to book an eye exam in Loftus.
Facing an uncomfortable truth to avoid emotional pain or even expense is another dastardly denizen of denial.
Denial also helps – for want of a better word – in protecting self-esteem that could lead to feelings of inadequacy, even failure.
Denying powerful evidence that conflicts with our current beliefs or actions is denial. Google “cognitive dissonance” on this one.
Social pressures put us in denial. You must have marvelled at the person who can overcome that with ease, but did you look at why YOU can’t do it or why YOU might be able to do it.
That said, it is sometimes true that people are in denial because they are simply not aware of the reality of a situation or perhaps the impact or potential impact that it has on their lives. That’s ignorance these days when answers can be an online therapy click away.
Denial can be a strategy to avoid taking responsibility for decisions or actions especially if facing up to why we are sometimes complete idiots means facing the truth!
Trauma, as in the authors’ grieving treatise, is a coping mechanism for denial.
This can create a situation where the person is comfortable in familiarity. Fine for a while but destructive in the long term when realities need to be faced in order to move on.
This brings me onto my own case of denial which caused me to seek out a qualified optician.
I was doing something absurdly simple on a walk with a friend. Looking at a tree from a distance. I remarked how beautiful it was and my companion said “AND that bird, I wonder what it is”.
Denial kicked in but on this occasion, I borrowed my friend’s glasses after failing to see what she could see. Not only could I see the tree but seemingly every twig and leaf and flower.
I was rather shocked though I’d known your years, something I kept to myself even if she said absent-mindedly “Do you need glasses?”.
I looked at the denial list and realised how many applied to me and my eyesight.
We think we are clever don’t we?
But now with contact lenses, even my Sydneysider vanity at least is preserved.
And I’m a little less in denial. Now to do something about the paunch…
